Tag: writer

How to be a bathroom ninja

I originally wrote this essay over 8 years ago when I was working corporate and shared it on my old site, hilbitwrites.wordpress.com. At the time, there was a lot of WTF going on in the ladies restroom at the office. A couple weeks ago, I shared it with a friend after she grumbled about the bathroom situation at her job.

Apparently, some things never change.

The purpose of sharing it again now is to offer you a laugh (we need more of those this pandemic year). Also, it may just make you super grateful to work from home.

Laughter and gratitude: two surefire ways to feel more joy and ease.

How to be a bathroom ninja…

Disclaimer: This essay may get me kicked off the internet.  If you’re easily offended, or find discussions of pooping something that shouldn’t actually be discussed, this essay is probably not for you.

As the title suggests, this essay is about bathrooms.  Specifically, public restrooms.  More specifically, the woman’s restroom at my office.  If I don’t get kicked off the internet, I may be banned from using the work bathroom.

That might not be a bad thing.  I have a feeling the restroom at the local Target is cleaner.

A little back story…

There are rules for using a public facility, even if the “public” is limited to your co-workers in a private office building.  At least once a week, I or one of my girl friends is subjected to a random but offensive bathroom violation.  We’ve reached the point where this is so out of control, we run to tell the others what happened.  I think it’s a matter of misery loves company.  But these incidents are often humorous.  And who can’t use a good laugh in the middle of their work day?

I’ve posted some of these to my Facebook status.  My sister-in-law tells me she plans to set up a lawn chair in my work restroom if she ever gets to Chicago.  I don’t blame her.  It’s the best tourist attraction in town.

My goal with this essay is to point out the most common violations and the rules for avoiding them.  I realize I’m going to give away some secrets but removing the veil of mystery surrounding the “Ladies Room” is necessary in the interests of public education.  How violated each of us may feel when subjected to any of these infractions will vary among individuals, so feel free to pick and choose the rules you follow.  Just remember…the rules are now public, so we’re all going to be expected to step up our game.  And, if you decide you want to print these out and hang them on the stall doors of YOUR work restroom, go right ahead.  Please just attribute it to hilaryclark.com.

So, in no particular order of importance…

Musical accompaniment…

If you feel the need to play music on your iPhone or iPod while using the public restroom, go ahead.  Just know it is NOT masking the sounds coming from your stall.

If you decide to break out in song after completing your business, again, go ahead.  The acoustics in most restrooms are pretty fantastic.  But consider your song choice with care.  Don’t choose to sing Tomorrow, unless you’re pondering your next visit.  Instead choose something commemorative of the moment, like Memories.  And please be aware: suddenly bursting into song may startle any other occupant, shocking a fart into the atmosphere, thereby adding a noxious element to what would have otherwise been a cultural moment.

Basic cleanliness…

If you protect your precious bottom from whatever resides on the seat with a liner or several layers of toilet paper, please think of future visitors.  Do the courteous thing and ensure all remnants of sanitary barrier have followed your business down into the bowels of the sewer.  Don’t leave even a square to scare the next unsuspecting user when she enters the stall.  No one wants to touch someone else’s safety paper, even with the toe of a shoe.

In a similar vein, make sure you leave the seat dry.  I’m talking primarily to the squatters here, but all of us leave the occasional drip.  Dry is nice.  Wet is not.  Even with a paper barrier, the dampness seeps through.  Sure, it might be back-splash and purely potable water, but there’s no way to know that when you’ve planted your ass in a small puddle.

If you’re prone to shedding, please use a toilet paper square to brush those lonely locks of hair into the bowl.  And I’m not just talking about the hair on your head.  This is why waxing was invented.

These particular situations compound the intrinsic filthiness of my work restroom.  Each day, one of the janitors has to pour water down the floor drain to eliminate the sulfuric scent of rotten eggs.  And it’s too bad they haven’t figured out a solution to the gnats.  It’s disconcerting to be sitting there, minding your own business, contemplating the fate of the nation, and gnats start swarming around you.  It’s enough to give a person a complex.

One of my friends has done some traveling.  She informed me the porcelain holes in the ground she encountered in Peru were cleaner than the restroom we use at the office.  Even if I don’t get banned from the bathroom here, the one at Target is looking better and better.

Stall etiquette…

On any given day, I suspect most of us aren’t too worried about our personal space.  Until we enter the bathroom.  (Ed. Note: this was written WAY pre-pandemic; nowadays, keep that 6’ between you.)

Once we enter the bathroom, we become islands and want vast acres of space between us and the next person.  If you enter a bathroom and the only unoccupied stall is immediately next to an occupied one, leave.  Come back later.  If you’re desperate and you absolutely, positively must go right that moment, practice your Kegels.  One of those stalls should open up soon and you can grab one without a neighbor.

While you’re at it, hold off on conversation.  I’m happy to talk to you when we’re both at the sink, but I’d rather pretend neither of us exist when one or both of us is in a stall.  There are plenty of places for a good long chat.  Most of those places have much more comfortable seating that a cold porcelain throne.

My same friend also traveled to the Dominican Republic where the public use cozy little rooms, fully enclosed for glorious privacy.  I imagine it to be a little condo complex of bathroom stalls, pristine and secure, with latches that latch and the illusion you’re sitting on the commode in the sanctity of your bathroom at home.

Courtesy flush…

Most people know of, and make full use of, the courtesy flush.  It’s used to mask any noise that may be emanating from your stall.  It rids the room of acrid smells.  If you’re afflicted with an EBM (explosive bowel movement), or Ass-plosion, the courtesy flush serves as cover for what is surely an awkward experience.  Particularly if someone else is using the restroom, or the restroom is located right next to peoples’ work space, the courtesy flush is the polite thing to do.  Sure, everyone knows why you’re doing it. 

It’s still considered good etiquette.

Except when the courtesy flush causes water and whatever else is in the bowl to splash back on the user.  Or on the floor.  Or on your feet.  Or, as happened to me, on your shoulder.  I was wearing a sundress.  I had to take a sponge bath at the sink.  What the hell?

Respect…

If your boss gives you a work space next to the restroom, it probably means he or she doesn’t like or respect you very much.  Sorry to be so blunt, but you may need to rethink your job.  I overheard this conversation in the hall one day:

Person 1: I don’t like sitting next to the bathroom.  I can hear the pooping.

Person 2: (Stunned silence.)

I learned later that Person 1 was the same person who experienced an EBM, then struck up conversation with someone while still in the stall, trying to explain it was the coffee.

With joy and ease…

I hope you enjoyed this little foray into my writing archives. Feel free to share far and wide – everyone should learn how to be a bathroom ninja!

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you enjoyed this article, and it feels aligned, please share on social media or via email. If you liked it, someone you know will probably like it too!

The runaway writer

This year has worn me out. It’s also been the most glorious learning experience, with multiple pivots down different paths. There’s one final pivot for me before the year’s up.

I’m done being a runaway writer.

Not all paths are linear. Most of them curve. Lots of them double back on themselves.

Tell me more…

For the past 3 years, I’ve been on a path to be a life coach (I’ll ignore the various niches I tried and use the broader term for now). In late 2017, I enrolled in a year-long coach training school, excited to learn new skills which I believed would open doors to entrepreneurship and freedom.

On some level, that belief came true. I started my business in early 2018. I learned about marketing. I made lots of connections. I evolved and grew personally.

But the one area where I never quite succeeded was building a client base. I’ve had a few, and they were and are delightful human beings. I’m blessed and grateful they chose me to be a part of their journey. However, I discovered the work didn’t satisfy me in the way I’d anticipated.

That’s because I remained in a state of denial, one I’ve occupied since childhood. I wanted to work for myself but I refused to allow myself to consider the one dream I’ve always had. Instead, I tried to fill the void with something more “practical”, like being a coach.

Face palm

Denial is a river in Egypt…

From as early as 4th grade, I’ve dreamed of being a writer. In that dream, I saw myself penning (these were the days before computers) fabulous novels and delightful children’s books, a famous author with New York Times Best Sellers under my belt.

Through high school and university, I took every writing course I could fit into my schedule because I had to write. You’d think college essays and blue book exams would have satisfied my writing itch, but nope, I wanted more and I chose it.

But even with this dedication to extra writing assignments, and a vision of writing for a living, I still wasn’t completely sure what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I graduated from college and went to work, because that’s what responsible adults do. I didn’t have the financial reserves to pour myself full time into writing a novel and I couldn’t get a job as a writer.

Looking back, I don’t think I even tried. I suspect I thought no one would hire me. Funny how we’re our own worst enemies, isn’t it?

I figured I’d write on my lunch breaks and at home in the evenings and on weekends. I sort of did. The writing came in fits and spurts.

I polished a children’s story I’d written my last year in high school. I started a novel (or three). I tried to find an agent to help get that children’s story published. When I didn’t succeed with getting representation, I allowed defeat in the door. That was a couple decades ago.

Since then, I’ve had numerous blogs. Some private. Most public. I’ve started more novels. I’ve written a couple more children’s books. I’ve continued to write poetry (and published a book of my favorites). I’ve always written but I gave up the dream of calling myself Writer, Author. I told myself I didn’t have it in me, to tell the stories that play in my mind, and then send them out into the world.

Then a recent conversation about joy and ease and what I really want opened that door marked Defeat. My lifelong dream of being a Writer, of being an Author, came floating out from behind that door and lit up my energy center with the vibrancy of a neon sign.

I’m done denying.

I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

What’s next…

When I re-dedicated myself to my fiber art practice in 2014, I knew I’d start a blog and website for my art because I knew I’d need to write about the work I was creating. This is that site. It will remain that site.

In recent months, I’ve begun posting other essays here, beyond my art. I’ve written about being an artist. I’ve written about creativity. I’ve written about joy and ease. I’m going to keep doing that.

And now I’m going to take it further.

I’ve released the coaching business – again. I’m done looking for clients. If someone wants to work with me in that way, they’ll find me and we’ll talk.

Instead, I’m going to focus on creating my art and my writing. I’m going to share that writing with you, an essay a week.

I’m looking forward to writing on a variety of topics – from living a life of joy and ease to creating feelings out of fiber (my textured fiber paintings) to finding the absurd in the ordinary. My writing will continue to have a spiritual twist to it and I’m giving myself permission to insert the snark and occasional NSFW language that’s part of who I am.

From time to time, I’ll share excerpts from the books I’m writing, too.

Because I am an Artist, a Writer, a Poet, a Joy and Ease Believer and I am done running away from the dream I’ve had all along.

With joy and ease…

I hope you’ll stick with me on this journey to claim my Writer’s identity. I’ll still write essays to inspire because that’s what I do. I’ll also write essays to make the reader laugh or think or dream, maybe even argue. I want to share my stories with you, like I share my poems when I publish a new artwork.

When I finally accepted life is meant to be lived with joy and ease, the decision to be the person I’ve always dreamed of being became clear.

So I hope you hang with me. If you’d rather not, you can always unsubscribe. I’ll be sorry to see you go, but I want you to be true to yourself as I’m being true to me.

(P.S. Please don’t be hasty to depart if that’s what you’re thinking!! I’m sharing an essay next week that’s some of my best work. It’s a humor piece on the absurdity of the ladies’ room. I promise you’ll laugh your ass off. 😉 )

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you enjoyed this article, and it feels aligned, please share on social media or via email. If you liked it, someone you know will probably like it too!

Showcase Piece: Inquisitive

In today’s article, I’m showcasing another piece from my portfolio – Inquisitive, the second piece made as part of my Feelings series.

Please keep reading to learn more about why I chose the colors and shapes I did to make this textured fiber painting. If you’re rather watch and listen, jump to the video at the end.

(c) Hilary Clark, “Inquisitive”, Fiber, 18″ x 23″
Image credit: Hilary Clark

Inquisitive was an experiment…

Inquisitive is one of the smaller pieces in the Feelings series, measuring 18” x 23”. There are two eyelet hangers stitched on the back, allowing it to hang on the wall with the use of a couple of small nails.

This piece doesn’t have the same dense stitching as the first in the series, or many that followed. I was experimenting with how much stitching I wanted to include and this piece, with its more representational shapes, seemed to call for a wider stitch pattern.

Why I chose yellow…

I chose yellow for the canvas because this color symbolizes curiosity and inquisitiveness to me. I tend to think and feel in color so when I’m choosing the canvas color for one of my textured fiber painted feelings, I go inside and ask my intuition what color best represents the feeling. When I did that for Inquisitive, yellow’s what rose out of my subconscious.

As with all of the Feelings series, the canvas is made up of different shades of the canvas color. I create a tissue paper pattern following the full outline of the piece, then divide that pattern into individual segments along abstract, flowing curves. Each segment uses a different shade of yellow in this piece, mostly solids, but occasionally I’ll use patterned fabric as I did here.

The “why” behind the design…

Once the canvas is created, I overlay the design elements on top. For Inquisitive, I chose question marks because to be inquisitive is to question. They symbolize the curious aspect of being inquisitive as you seek answers.

In addition to the slightly wider stitching, roughly ½” between each stitch line as opposed to my usual ¼” to ⅛” distance, this piece also uses more defined, real shapes with the question marks and the eyes overlaying each mark. I was still exploring how I wanted to best create feelings out of fiber and this piece, when compared with the rest of the series, is a bit of a departure. However, it is still an abstract with bright, bold colors and so it fits into the series in that way.

Inquisitive – detail views
Image credit: Hilary Clark

There’s always a poem…

The majority of my work includes a poem on the back. Each poem is inspired by the textured fiber painting and so each piece includes a copy of its poem fused to the backing as the label. I thought I’d share Inquisitive’s poem with you.

(Feeling) Inquisitive

What is the meaning of
life? Is it purpose,children,
love,or just living?

Why is the sky
blue, the grass green,
my hair turning grey? Are
these childish questions?

Who is God? Have you
met Him? On the other hand, is it 
Her? Is it both? What does 
God looks like?

When will the world
end? Have you wondered?
Do you care?

How do we know when
chicken is cooked or 
black currants are
ripe? Will you ask Google?

Where do the rabbits in my
backyard make their
nest? Are they happy?

I wonder…are you as
inquisitive as I am?

Exit through the gift shop…

If you’re interested in owning Inquisitive, it can be purchased for $750 through my Etsy shop, HilaryClarkStudios. Or reach out to me directly and we can make arrangements to get this piece into your home.

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you liked what you read (or watched if you chose the video), please share with the one person you absolutely know would like it too!