Category: Personal Growth

2020: The Limbo Year

2020 felt like we’d been suspended in limbo, everything on pause, even as we pivoted, shifted, and advanced. Or was that just me?

It’s a year we’ll all look back on as the one where everything changed and that’s good and right. Because 2020 was always meant to be a year in limbo, the transition ahead of the evolution.

Year end review…

I took the last week of the year off to process my thoughts about 2020. I always take the last week of a year to look back at what I did and didn’t do so I can look forward in anticipation of the next year. Even though 2020 was an exercise in suspension, my practice didn’t change.

As I looked back at my year, I discovered I spent a huge portion of 2020 feeling like a ghost, floating in that limbo space. I found myself caught up in the Doing most of the time, consumed with work to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

All this Doing led me to publish a book of my poetry, a renewed focus on my art practice, publication of a free eBook about creating feelings and turning them into art, and the first shitty draft of an intrigue / romance novel. These were bright lights in my year.

The Doing also led to one of the more intense depressive episodes I’ve ever experienced.

From the grey space…

From the grey space of depression, I discovered something important. A year in limbo offers gifts. 2020 opened the door to the transition ahead of the evolution where each and every one of us is offered the opportunity to Be who we’re meant to Be. There needed to be less Doing and more Being and in the latter part of 2020, that’s where I shifted.

And with the shift, everything changed. By focusing on Being over Doing, I discovered conforming to the image I had of myself as an entrepreneur wasn’t aligned. The work I want to do isn’t entrepreneurial; it’s spiritual and personal and can be done anywhere, at any time.

My work is writing and making art. These are things I’ve always done and will always do, whether they support me financially or not.

When I fully focused on Being, it became so much simpler to live from my heart and let my light shine.

Throughout the year, we all experienced major energetic waves – the virus, the civil unrest, the loss of “normal”, the gain of new ways to connect. The change, the growth, the fighting, the creativity – all of these were signposts for personal and spiritual evolution. And I evolved with them.

With joy and ease…

I’m returning to corporate work this year. It is meant. Writing and art making will continue because they feed my soul. In 2020, I learned to find and feel joy and ease in Being me, rather than through the things I Do.

This was my evolution. What was yours?

xo

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you enjoyed this essay, and it feels aligned, please share on social media or via email. If you liked it, someone you know will probably like it too!

Free EBook: How to Create a Feeling

I’ve written an ebook and I’m giving it away for free!

I was inspired to write How to Create a Feeling: A Guide to Face Your Feelings & Turn Them Into Art through the feelings I create out of fiber (my art) and an intuitive need to share what I’ve learned about navigating depression so it doesn’t rule my life. 

The first portion of the book shares information about our feelings and why we often suppress or deny what we feel.  The latter portion includes several exercises to help you navigate those feelings, particularly what I call your dominant negative feeling, and turn it into art.

This book was written for every woman who’s tired of being at the mercy of her feelings and would rather create feelings of joy and ease in every situation.

If you’d like a copy of my 42-page ebook, How to Create a Feeling: A Guide to Face Your Feelings & Turn Them Into Art, enter your email in the box below to receive your FREE copy! You’ll receive the ebook within 24 hours and be added to my email list. Don’t worry – you’ll be asked to confirm joining the list and you can always unsubscribe at any time.

Please keep reading for an excerpt!

As women, many of us were programmed from birth to be and behave a certain way.  To follow the rules, not raise our voices, and let someone else lead (even while we’re being told we can be leaders).  We don’t own our own goddessness because that would be ballsy and women aren’t supposed to be ballsy.  We’re trained to not express our feelings so as not to be seen as “hysterical” or a “drama queen” or weak.

If you’re here, it’s because some part of you sees this societal programming as the bullshit it is.

You’re waking up to stand in your power.

You’re waking up to own and express your feelings.

You’re waking up to the realization that life isn’t meant to be hard; it’s meant to be lived with joy and ease.

Programming begins prior to birth, regardless of whether our parents knew our gender. Our pregnant mothers and expectant fathers painted pictures in their respective heads of the child that was coming. Their own programming dictated the visions they saw of the little girl or boy who was on her or his way. They contemplated pink or blue walls, even as they may have chosen a gender neutral color for baby’s room. Their hearts were drawn to adorable little dresses, tiny little sneakers, and twee little ball caps. Secretly, even unconsciously, they dreamed of having one or the other.

Then you arrived. Out of the womb, you slid into the doctor’s hands and the words “it’s a girl” were spoken. And your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, doctors, and nurses responded to their individual programming triggers to wrap you in a pink blanket, put a bow on your head, declare you beautiful and swoon over the precious clothing that declared you female.

All babies appear gender neutral when the diaper is on. So our families use clothing and accessories to identify us as girls or boys. It’s what they know how to do. It’s how they believe they’re fulfilling their role as parent, by helping you identify as female or male.

As you grew, and before you could dress yourself, this gender identification continued with the clothing you wore. It was always out of your control. And with the clothing choices also came the instructions:

Girls are sweet and kind. Sugar and spice and everything nice. Girls are docile, quiet, and friendly. Girls are eager to help around the house and in the kitchen. Girls don’t raise their voices. They don’t hit. They don’t yell. They don’t scream.

From an early age, we females are trained to follow these rules. The result? Grown women who are unable to express themselves.

So we find ourselves turning to alcohol or drugs or food, to relationships that don’t suit, to men who don’t cherish, to friendships that never go deep because the inability to express what we really feel, in whatever manner feels most aligned, causes us to live surface lives.

No matter how enlightened society appears to be, with all the shifts that have occurred to date and continue to occur, there’s still an expectation women are delicate creatures, emotional and prone to melodramatics.  And maybe we are. I know I’ve had my moments.  And when I’ve had those moments, others get uncomfortable.  I’ve been told to calm down.  I’ve been told “it’s okay.”  I’ve been told lie after lie as the others attempt to calm me down so they don’t have to feel whatever it is they feel when I’m expressing my feelings.  And that’s where society has it wrong.  That’s where we have it wrong within ourselves.

It’s time to FEEL your feelings.  All of them.  Open, happy, alive, peace, love, fascination, hope, free.  Sad, rejection, fear, boredom, helpless, confused, depressed, angry, defeat.  And all derivatives that fall under them.  

Feelings are experiences.  They’re states of being.  But we suppress these aspects of our being.  We shove our anger down because we don’t want to create conflict.  We put a muzzle on our elation because we don’t want to be seen as bragging.  We create a soup with hope, seasoned with doubt.  We experience freedom, those moments when everything just falls beautifully together, and then we tell ourselves it was a fluke and won’t ever happen again.  We don’t own these feelings as natural and normal and absolutely part of who we are in our humanness.  

And this gets us stuck.

It’s time to get unstuck.

If you liked what you read in the excerpt above, enter your email in the box below to receive your FREE copy!

xoxo

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you enjoyed this essay, and it feels aligned, please share on social media or via email. If you liked it, someone you know will probably like it too!

The GTFOver Myself Project

In late October, I received an intuitive ping to take a selfie. Then I got a second ping that said take one every day and post each of them on social media. I’ve learned to pay attention to those pings, so I complied.

But I wasn’t particularly happy about it.

Day 1 through 9

GTFOver myself…

I wasn’t all that happy about receiving an intuitive message from the Universe directing me to take photos of myself and then share them. I dislike selfies. I’m not fond of seeing myself in pictures. I gave up wearing makeup in the early days of the pandemic. There were a variety of reasons why I felt a frequent urge to slap myself upside the head instead of pointing my iPhone at my face.

But intuitive pings come for a reason. They’re guidance to help us shift past or through something that’s blocking us. Pings are signposts that tell us something we need to learn.

What I needed to learn was to GTFOver myself. I needed to stop hiding in my introverted closet, which had become even easier to accomplish with a global pandemic. I needed to learn how to be visible and in the process, maybe from my example, someone else would learn how to be visible too.

So I committed.

Day 10 though 19

30 days of selfies…

The original ping didn’t give me a timeline, which is often the way with messages from intuition, so I decided I’d do it for 30 days. There were days when I almost forgot to snap a pic. There were days when I knew exactly what I wanted to say in the caption I wrote to go with each photo. There were days when I really, really wanted to stop.

But I persisted.

Learning how to be visible is a lesson I’ve avoided most of my life. I was bullied almost every day for five years in elementary school. That experience taught me it’s simpler, and safer, to be a wallflower. I’ve been struggling with that chaotic vibration for years because it’s not actually my nature to be quiet or demure. I’m a tiny person with a big voice and a ridiculous amount of energy and light. My energetic vibration is high and yet, before I submitted to the GTFOver Myself Project, I was suppressing that vibration.

Taking a selfie every day for 30 days ripped the door off the hinges and released my energy and light. I learned to stop worrying about what others thought of me and instead, just BE me.

Which is a key component to living a life of joy and ease, in touch with your feelings, by the way. When you can BE who you’re meant to be, joy and ease become immediately accessible.

Day 20 through 30

With joy and ease…

We all have lessons to learn while living this human life. Learning to be visible is one of mine. Taking daily selfies not only allowed me to BE who I’m meant to be, it also helped me to feel more comfortable in my own skin. And I think we could all use a little more of that.

This lesson will always be a work in progress. I’ve stopped taking and posting daily selfies because I GotTFOver myself, for which I’m grateful. I’ve now shifted to a weekly selfie practice because I found I enjoyed smiling at people from their social media feeds.

I found I enjoyed sharing my joy with the world.

What lesson do you need to learn that will ultimately give you joy?

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you enjoyed this article, and it feels aligned, please share on social media or via email. If you liked it, someone you know will probably like it too!

The runaway writer

This year has worn me out. It’s also been the most glorious learning experience, with multiple pivots down different paths. There’s one final pivot for me before the year’s up.

I’m done being a runaway writer.

Not all paths are linear. Most of them curve. Lots of them double back on themselves.

Tell me more…

For the past 3 years, I’ve been on a path to be a life coach (I’ll ignore the various niches I tried and use the broader term for now). In late 2017, I enrolled in a year-long coach training school, excited to learn new skills which I believed would open doors to entrepreneurship and freedom.

On some level, that belief came true. I started my business in early 2018. I learned about marketing. I made lots of connections. I evolved and grew personally.

But the one area where I never quite succeeded was building a client base. I’ve had a few, and they were and are delightful human beings. I’m blessed and grateful they chose me to be a part of their journey. However, I discovered the work didn’t satisfy me in the way I’d anticipated.

That’s because I remained in a state of denial, one I’ve occupied since childhood. I wanted to work for myself but I refused to allow myself to consider the one dream I’ve always had. Instead, I tried to fill the void with something more “practical”, like being a coach.

Face palm

Denial is a river in Egypt…

From as early as 4th grade, I’ve dreamed of being a writer. In that dream, I saw myself penning (these were the days before computers) fabulous novels and delightful children’s books, a famous author with New York Times Best Sellers under my belt.

Through high school and university, I took every writing course I could fit into my schedule because I had to write. You’d think college essays and blue book exams would have satisfied my writing itch, but nope, I wanted more and I chose it.

But even with this dedication to extra writing assignments, and a vision of writing for a living, I still wasn’t completely sure what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I graduated from college and went to work, because that’s what responsible adults do. I didn’t have the financial reserves to pour myself full time into writing a novel and I couldn’t get a job as a writer.

Looking back, I don’t think I even tried. I suspect I thought no one would hire me. Funny how we’re our own worst enemies, isn’t it?

I figured I’d write on my lunch breaks and at home in the evenings and on weekends. I sort of did. The writing came in fits and spurts.

I polished a children’s story I’d written my last year in high school. I started a novel (or three). I tried to find an agent to help get that children’s story published. When I didn’t succeed with getting representation, I allowed defeat in the door. That was a couple decades ago.

Since then, I’ve had numerous blogs. Some private. Most public. I’ve started more novels. I’ve written a couple more children’s books. I’ve continued to write poetry (and published a book of my favorites). I’ve always written but I gave up the dream of calling myself Writer, Author. I told myself I didn’t have it in me, to tell the stories that play in my mind, and then send them out into the world.

Then a recent conversation about joy and ease and what I really want opened that door marked Defeat. My lifelong dream of being a Writer, of being an Author, came floating out from behind that door and lit up my energy center with the vibrancy of a neon sign.

I’m done denying.

I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

What’s next…

When I re-dedicated myself to my fiber art practice in 2014, I knew I’d start a blog and website for my art because I knew I’d need to write about the work I was creating. This is that site. It will remain that site.

In recent months, I’ve begun posting other essays here, beyond my art. I’ve written about being an artist. I’ve written about creativity. I’ve written about joy and ease. I’m going to keep doing that.

And now I’m going to take it further.

I’ve released the coaching business – again. I’m done looking for clients. If someone wants to work with me in that way, they’ll find me and we’ll talk.

Instead, I’m going to focus on creating my art and my writing. I’m going to share that writing with you, an essay a week.

I’m looking forward to writing on a variety of topics – from living a life of joy and ease to creating feelings out of fiber (my textured fiber paintings) to finding the absurd in the ordinary. My writing will continue to have a spiritual twist to it and I’m giving myself permission to insert the snark and occasional NSFW language that’s part of who I am.

From time to time, I’ll share excerpts from the books I’m writing, too.

Because I am an Artist, a Writer, a Poet, a Joy and Ease Believer and I am done running away from the dream I’ve had all along.

With joy and ease…

I hope you’ll stick with me on this journey to claim my Writer’s identity. I’ll still write essays to inspire because that’s what I do. I’ll also write essays to make the reader laugh or think or dream, maybe even argue. I want to share my stories with you, like I share my poems when I publish a new artwork.

When I finally accepted life is meant to be lived with joy and ease, the decision to be the person I’ve always dreamed of being became clear.

So I hope you hang with me. If you’d rather not, you can always unsubscribe. I’ll be sorry to see you go, but I want you to be true to yourself as I’m being true to me.

(P.S. Please don’t be hasty to depart if that’s what you’re thinking!! I’m sharing an essay next week that’s some of my best work. It’s a humor piece on the absurdity of the ladies’ room. I promise you’ll laugh your ass off. 😉 )

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you enjoyed this article, and it feels aligned, please share on social media or via email. If you liked it, someone you know will probably like it too!

The purpose of life: stop struggling

When everything you do feels like a struggle, it’s hard to believe life is supposed to be filled with joy and ease. And yet, that’s the whole purpose of life.

This may look chaotic, all these colors and bits of fabric struggling together, but really, it’s an expression of joy and ease.

If you’re feeling rudderless…

If you’re drowning in that sea of struggle, convinced you’ll never feel joy again, convinced nothing is ever easy, you need support. Support is critical to reconnecting you to purpose. Support is how I did it for myself and it’s what my business is centered around now.

When I was stuck in a place where work and life felt hard, I was depressed, angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I was unwilling to really talk to anyone about I how felt because I didn’t want to bring them down into the depths with me.

But this was the wrong approach. That became clear when my negativity began to leach into my relationship with my guy. Something had to change.

My guy knew I was unhappy. It was impossible not to know it, but while he expressed encouragement and gave me hugs, he also grew really tired of hearing me say “It’s fine” when it clearly wasn’t. Really, how fine could it be when I was cranky, angry, and weepy all at the same time? Dinner isn’t particularly delightful when the person across the table pouts the whole time. It’s a wonder he stood for it as long as he did.

He called me on my shit one day and I started talking, sharing my thoughts and feelings about how conflicted I felt. Deep down, I knew nothing was supposed to be as sad and difficult as everything seemed to be but I couldn’t see a way out.

That conversation led to others. As we talked our way through what I was really seeking, I found hope. Once I found hope, I was able to see my situation more clearly. Once I could see clearly, I discovered all the ways I was blocking my own joy and ease.

With clear vision, I hired a coach and was then able to create the mindset shifts I needed to leave struggle behind, in every situation, in every experience, and in every thought. Now, even when I’m doing something I’ve never done before or my day is long and full of work tasks, I feel joy and ease. Consistently. And that makes life amazing.

Getting support…

Start by talking to someone who has your best interests at heart. This can be your partner, another family member, or friend. Keep in mind this person may be biased towards keeping the status quo (because that might be easier for the other person) so give serious thought to who you choose. I started with my guy, but eventually, I knew I needed greater and unbiased support.

Next, consider working with a coach to receive that unbiased support. This is the work I do with my clients, providing a safe space to work through the struggle, opening the mind to discover the blocks, and then helping them create the mindset shifts they need to live a life of joy and ease.

Finally, do the work you need to do to release the perception that everything is a struggle. It’s easier to do this work when you’re supported and encouraged, when you work with someone who can see what you can’t see. You’ll shift much more quickly and the work will be easier to do.

With joy and ease…

If I can go from literally decades of push and struggle to consistently feeling everything is joyful and easy (even the tough stuff), you can too. The whole point of getting support is so you don’t have to keep doing it alone. Give yourself the gift of working with a coach to expedite your shift from struggle to ease.

Let me help you find your joy.

If you need support around shifting from struggle to joy and ease, let’s set up time to chat.

If you’re ready for a private (virtual) showing of my art, you can schedule an appointment here.

To discuss commissioning me to make a textured fiber painting specifically for you or someone you love, please schedule an exploratory commissioning conversation and we’ll see what we can create together.

If you enjoyed this article and found it helpful, please share with the ONE person you know could use it too!